Ipod Anniversary

Amy and I have now celebrated our 10th anniversary. The following description should give you some appreciation for just what an achievement that is on Amy's part.

You may remember that we were married just over a year ago, but after putting in 9 years, didn't want to start back at one. So we decided that with 10 being our first double digit number we should do fancy extravagant double digit things to celebrate it. Fancy and extravagant of course being relative terms.

I should point out that I recently bought and Ipod, which was a HUGE purchase for me. The way you might agonize over spending your life savings on a Ferrari with a trunk full of rare wines is how I wrestle with purchasing consumer electronics that cost more than 10 dollars. Anyway, I did it, and since then I've gone out of my way to make sure that I am CONSTANTLY using my ipod in order to justify the expense. For instance, I now run 300 miles a week. TV shows? Why watch them on the HDTV when I can laboriously convert them and watch them on a 2 inch screen? Podcasts? Of course I'd like to listen to someone read outdated articles from the NYTimes. And music? Well as long as I'm walking downstairs, how about a little soudtrack? Taking the garbage out? Better throw on the Ipod. I literally wake up in the middle of the night and if I don't fall right back asleep I think, 'as long as I'm just lying here I should really be listening to that Ipod.'

But I digress. The real point was that since buying it I now evaluate all prices in terms of how they relate to the Ipod. Hence, when I went to book a room for our super awesome fancy anniversary trip all I could think was, 'holy shit, this place costs an Ipod a night!' If you read the above paragraph you know this is a significant hurdle for me.

Our Ipod per night room was nice, although being in a tall tower it tended to creak like an 18th century slave ship when the wind blew (why a slave ship? I somehow imagine them as the creakiest), but fortunately we went to Seattle where it is sunny and calm almost all the time. The real problem with an Ipod a night room is that I feel the same obligation to use it that I feel to use the Ipod. When we were out, like, actually doing stuff, I thought, 'Christ, we're just WASTING that room'. I wanted to give spare keys to homeless people and say, 'here, room 1735, go watch cable.' And when we were actually in it, I felt an obligation to really soak it in. My thinking is that if your room costs more than an Ipod per night it should have no curtains and you should be unable to turn out the lights. Once you turn out the lights, you could be in a Super 8. If I'm paying that much, I want to SEE what I'm paying for every single second that I'm there, and I want homeless parties every second that I'm not.

Also, a modest proposal regarding income taxes. How about instead of basing it on your income we base it on your use of mini bars? My tax bracket is not low, but I clearly feel uncomfortable just throwing money around. I suggest that if you are willing to pay 8 dollars for a can of Coke then you simply have too much money and you should be taxed accordingly. If however, you share your room with homeless people you should get a credit. These are just things I think about when I'm listening to my Ipod.

Have I actually said anything about the trip? Have I mentioned beautiful Seattle and the boats and water and greenness and doughnuts? No? Well that's because my memory isn't like yours. It's not a mental scrapbook so much as an accounting ledger. For instance, when I look at a menu, this is how I see it:

Thing that might be okay plus some vegetable I won't touch ... .4 IPODS!!!!!!

Thus, I will forever remember Seattle as the place where I slept with the lights on in a beautiful creaking tower, paid more to park my car than I did to rent it, got a killer deal on a rain jacket that I then wore for four days straight, and ate two meals at .5 Ipods a piece. Also, I think there was a monorail (.006 Ipods), a waterfall (.009 Ipods in gas) and an amazing library (FREE!!!!).

Anyway, all of this to say that I'm kind of an awful person and that Amy should be sainted, knighted, bronzed, and then deified for having survived 10 years in my vicinity. How an individual like me has been so lucky is beyond my comprehension. Everyday I wake up and find that she is still here comes as a pleasant surprise. The fact that it has now happened more than 3,650 times makes it no less shocking.

I do not know what's wrong with her, but it is my sincere hope that there is no cure.

p.s.

Did I mention that the rain jacket has a special pocket for my Ipod? Because it totally does.

p.p.s.

If all that wasn't enough, Amy also endured three straight days of my Sarah Palin impression, which is, frankly, awesome.