Friday, June 27, 2008

Insist On Medium - Medium Well

There's no way it's been 12 days since I posted. I posted the last time I had two free hands and computer access. Surely it was more like yesterday. Let's agree it was yesterday or I will start to cut myself.

Are you thinking of having children? This would be my advice to you. Do not bring them home from the hospital right away. The staff will be insistent. 'These are your children,' they'll say, 'you have to take them.' Don't give in. Your children are undercooked. You should not be shy about sending them back. If they hassle you tell them you need a pack of cigarettes and then come back in 2 months.

No one told me about this and I made the mistake of bringing home raw children. I did not like them. Not even a little bit. Unless you like miniature, incontinent, shrieking little old men, there's not much to recommend. For nine months people assured me I would love them at first sight. And every night for the first two weeks as I lay awake listening to their screams I wanted to strangle all those people.

Now the children are golden brown. They are crunchy on the outside, but just right in the middle. They still make me get up before I am ready and I sleepily haul them out to be changed. But the minute their straight jackets come off they start to flail and laugh and I think, yes, I will enjoy eating every little bite of you. You are my favorite food.


Amy said...

Ah - I'm getting a little teary-eyed over here. You've gotten soft, Mr. Kyle, and I love it!

Anonymous said...

How many times do I have to tell people not to eat their babies?

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